Loved and Lost
by desert-girl
Summary: COMPLETE! They say it's better to have loved and lost, but Darry's not so sure. Darry angst, set when Darry's in high school.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Loved and Lost  
Author: Desert Girl  
Rating: PG-13 for mild sexual content  
Summary: They say it's better to have loved and lost, but Darry's not so sure.

Disclaimer: The Outsiders © S.E. Hinton. This story is non-profit.

Notes: Another Darry angsty romance from yours truly. I can't promise a happy ending, but maybe one day I'll surprise the hell out of all of us. This takes place around Spring 1964, when Darry's about to graduate high school.

* * *

  
It's cold in the back of the truck, but Darry doesn't care and he's pretty sure Melissa hasn't even noticed. They're wrapped up in each other (like always anymore, his buddy Paul tells him), and it always seems much warmer than it actually is when she's pressed completely against him. The blanket is old and scratchy, and it has holes that were likely put there by moths, but Darry'd rather not think about that. The blanket twines around them, doing its part to keep them close, and Darry isn't sure he could escape from it if he tries.

Making it with his girlfriend in the back of his father's pick-up truck is not something Darry had ever planned to do, but when you've got no other choice, you grab on with your teeth and force a bite. Melissa's father would use his shotgun without a second thought if he caught Darry in his daughter's bedroom, and Darry's house was too damn crowded to ever sneak someone in without being noticed.

Melissa's hand snakes down Darry's back and he trembles a little, but not from the cold. It's mid-April, and he's just been offered a scholarship to Texas A&M. The night started off as a celebration, and he supposes that's what is still going on now; only the celebrating is in a very different fashion than his mom or dad probably suspects.

Sometimes Darry feels like he can't get enough of Melissa. Sometimes he thinks he could forego football all together if it means staying in Tulsa with her. He never thinks that for very long. He hates Tulsa and has been dreaming of playing football in college for a very long time. He hopes A&M doesn't have greasers and Socs, just college kids. He isn't all that interested in moving somewhere just to be thrust back into the same confusion he's grown up in.

Darry considers himself like Switzerland. He's always been neutral ground between greasers and Socs. He's the only person he knows that has two separate groups of friends, one greasers, and one Socs. The greasers are his buddies; he's known them his whole life. They grew up in the neighborhood, and he feels like his allegiance should always be to them. The Socs are his friends from school. Mostly his buddies on the football team and their girlfriends who are usually cheerleaders. Some of the guys on the team are middle class, and one or two are poor like Darry, but mostly they're Socs through and through. All the cheerleaders are Socs; Darry honestly doesn't think they let other girls on the squad.

Mostly, it doesn't bother Darry. He's a good football player and everyone at school likes him. The only time when he feels really rotten about it is if his Soc buddies get drunk and say something stupid about greasers. Then he's forced to pound their heads in, or at least threaten to, and it always makes him feel like dirt.

The only person he's ever told any of this stuff to is Melissa. He told her before they even started going out. They've been pretty good friends since she moved to Tulsa from Oklahoma City last year. Only over the summer when she wore this cute yellow top that tied around her neck and left her shoulders bare did he start sitting up and taking notice of how good looking she was.

They goofed around at the beginning of the year, but Darry wasn't all that serious until around Thanksgiving. Then he gave her his class ring to wear and she put it on a chain around her neck and she was his girlfriend. He wishes everything were so cut and dried, but mostly it's not. Mostly he and Melissa like to go off alone because it's simpler when it's just the two of them.

Melissa is considered a Soc, even if she is on the lower end. She lives on the south side and has a big house, but it's inherited money and her father is turning into more and more of a deadbeat as time goes on. He was an investment banker when Darry first met him, but has since gotten fired for excessive drinking and currently doesn't do anything much at all. Melissa's mother runs an antique store and is a really nice woman but is hardly ever at home.

Darry doesn't mean to be traitorous or anything to his own "kind", but he doesn't date greaser girls. He just doesn't like girls that swear a lot and dress trashy and wear too much make up. "Everyone has their own taste," he says, but he hears Two-Bit and Steve mouthing off about him on occasion, and they like to say he wishes he was a Soc. One time, Dally said he _is_ a Soc that was born on the wrong side of town. Like a kid who was raised by wolves or something. It stopped bothering Darry a long time ago; and he keeps on dating the girls he wants to and hell, why not? If Socy girls are willing to go out with him, he feels like he might as well do it.

Melissa is the kind of girl Darry can see himself marrying in the future, but only after he knows he can get a good job and support her with a relatively good lifestyle. He's never gonna make as much as her family, but he'd like to be successful in his own right. Part of him wants to be successful just to show people that a greaser can make it, too. Part of him wants to have a nice house and a wife who he isn't always telling to watch her mouth or take off that make up.

Darry also thinks Melissa is different because he's pretty sure she doesn't just like him because he's the star football player that all the girls want to date. That's why he went all the way with her and even though lots of people think he makes it with lots of girls, the truth is, he's kind of weird about that. He's partly scared of getting a girl pregnant, and partly scared that they're using him because he's popular. Melissa is actually only the second girl he's officially had sex with but nobody would ever guess that.

He thinks she's asleep because it's been real still and quiet for a long time. It's been about thirty minutes since they finished, and she doesn't usually fall asleep but sometimes he does. All of a sudden she lifts one slender arm out from the blankets and points to the sky. "That's Sir Coughsalot."

Melissa doesn't know anything about astronomy, so she makes up the constellations and the legends behind them. She's currently pointing to the bottom half of Ursa Minor and a few stars around it. Melissa props herself against Darry and as she lowers her hand, he intertwines their fingers.

"Sir Coughsalot was banished from his village because he couldn't stop coughing and he was infecting the babies and children. They chased him into the woods with fire and pitchforks and stuff."

After Darry's chuckle, he kisses the top of her head. With her hand in his, Darry raises both of their arms and traces the outline for Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, which she'd been so close to picking out but never would have. Darry's told her that everybody knows the Big and Little Dippers, but she doesn't remember, or likes her own constellations and the mythology that goes along with it better.

"What's that story again?" she whispers, "About the bear turning the leaves red?"

"North American Indians think the constellation is a giant bear being chased by three warriors." He points out the stars as he talkes about them. "In the fall, the constellation rests near the horizon and the Indians believe the hunters have injured the bear and its blood causes the leaves to turn red."

Melissa sighs and it sends a shiver down Darry's spine where the heat of her breath touches the cold skin of his neck. "Your dad taught you all that?"

"My dad taught me the Greek mythology, which is the one where Callisto is turned into a bear because she has a love affair with Zeus. I looked up the other stuff on my own."

She wishes her dad would teach her stuff like that. Darry knows this, even though she doesn't say it out loud. Her dad used to do more stuff with her before he started drinking. He taught her to play tennis, and she's the best tennis player Darry's ever seen. Now she's lucky if she can join him in the living room with a TV tray for dinner. If he's too soused up, he'll holler at her to get lost. One time, Darry made the mistake of wondering aloud why she still tries, and she snapped at him that he'd understand if one of his parents weren't so readily available. She says, "Soon as they're gone, you start sitting around thinking about all the things you need them for."

Darry shudders at the thought and hopes he'll never be sitting around thinking that.

* * *

  
Melissa is good at putting on a brave face even when she's not feeling so happy inside. Usually Darry's the only one that can see through it, but tonight he hasn't. Tonight he's too caught up in his own happiness to realize that she isn't so thrilled that he's definitely for sure leaving Tulsa in four months.

She doesn't want to be completely selfish, and spends the evening telling herself all the reasons why she is absolutely overjoyed for him. He's worked so hard, he deserves so much. Darry is not only a wonderful football player but a dedicated student and why _wouldn't_ Texas A&M offer him a full scholarship? Melissa secretly hoped Oklahoma State would offer him a full scholarship, since OSU is roughly 70 miles away. She can deal with an hour's drive in the car. She is sure that the 500 miles to College Station means that she and Darry will be breaking up here in the near future.

It's a talk that they will have; it's practically been scheduled since last fall. Whenever Melissa tried to broach the subject of graduation and subsequent _life_, Darry would say, "Let's wait to see where I'm going, first." Melissa knew that Darry didn't like to think about it -- he didn't want to put anything negative on what would otherwise be one of the best changes of his life. Now it was Melissa's turn to want to ignore it, but she couldn't. She just wasn't that way.

Melissa is still thinking about it when Darry throws the blanket off of them, forcing them to scramble for clothes lest they freeze. Darry thinks this is funny, because his clothes are inevitably easier to arrange than hers are. Melissa ends up glaring at him in her bra and panties, wrestling with her blouse and skirt and imploring him to at least help her find each shoe.

As he drives her home, he keeps his hand on her knee. Melissa knows it's just habit to do it now, but at the beginning of their relationship, she remembers thinking the heavy weight of his hand on her leg was symbolic. She isn't nervous around Darry; she's always been able to count on him. If she's ever needed him, he's been there. She isn't sure why that would have to change now, but she's a year younger than he is and realistically she can't go through her senior year of high school in a long-distance relationship.

It takes a while to get to the south side from where they'd parked. They liked to go to the outskirts of town and, at first, look at the stars, and then later, ignore the stars completely while they made out underneath them. Melissa studies Darry's strong profile in the scant light of the truck. Every once in a while the yellow light of a street lamp will break the muted dusk and send his features into sharp disarray. Melissa thinks he's probably the most handsome boy she's ever seen. Including his brother Sodapop, although Melissa knows no one else would agree with her.

"Why are you staring at me?"

Darry's voice cuts through the soft hum of the radio that is set to a static-ridden station that only catches a signal at night.

"I don't know," Melissa answers back, but she doesn't stop. She just keeps looking, and there's not much he can do except glance at her every once in a while and grip the steering wheel a little tighter.

Their relationship has changed since they started sleeping together. Melissa is more comfortable and less comfortable with him in equal parts. She can let him look at her naked body without turning the shade of a garden tomato, but the depth of their connection has changed. She cannot ask him if they can talk about the fate of their relationship come September. Everything carries weight now. They know each other intimately.

Melissa doesn't regret sleeping with him. He was her first, and she feels warm when she thinks about him. She likes the weight of him on top of her; likes to feel protected and safe when she's in his arms. Maybe it's old-fashioned, but she doesn't care. When he drops her off after their dates now, she walks into the house with a secret, and it empowers her. The slight discomfort between her legs reminds her that something is different. _She's_ different. Special.

"Are you okay?"

Darry looks concerned. Darry's a pretty serious person most of the time. He knows how to cut loose and have fun, but even that is surrounded by guidelines. He will go to any party, but he won't touch the alcohol there. He'll sneak out of the house, but he'll have his entire entrance planned out before he goes back. It's what accounts for Darry's success. Melissa knows this. It seems that everything he touches just turns to gold as if by magic, but Melissa knows that everything that has happened in his life so far has been the byproduct of hard work, attention to detail, and determination. Darry resents it when people call him lucky.

"Mel?"

She hasn't answered him. She's biting on her lip which means she's thinking about something heavy. His hand squeezes her knee and moves a little up her thigh. Melissa watches it before turning her gaze back to him.

"I'm happy, Dar," she says. It's not really a lie. She is happy; would be if she could keep her mind in the moment. She loves laying with him and talking about the constellations. She can tell it frustrates him that she refuses to even try to learn the right ones. He's entertained by it, for sure, but the perfectionist in him still doesn't understand why she wouldn't at least know Orion's Belt and Polaris. Truth is, she knows those. She just won't admit it to him.

Darry smiles vaguely at her, but more toward the windshield. They're exiting the freeway on Orange Grove Parkway and the homes are large, lawns manicured. They pass Paul Holden's house, Darry's best friend. Paul is possibly the richest boy in the school. His father is a Senator. He and Darry have been tight since they were little, but Melissa doesn't imagine Paul has ever said two words to Two-Bit Matthews or Dallas Winston.

Two words _about_ them, sure. Paul holds a barely-contained disdain for greasers. It's the only thing in Paul and Darry's relationship that has the potential to separate them forever. Darry hates it; stays up nights thinking about it sometimes, and Melissa only knows this because one time she ran into him pretty late at the Dairy Queen and they talked and drank strawberry milkshakes until curfew. That's when Melissa knew she liked Darry, but Darry hadn't really noticed her until months later when she wore a stupid yellow top. But then, Darry's a boy, Melissa reminds herself, and boys are very visual creatures.

It doesn't matter, Melissa thinks, because now she has his ring around her neck, his hand on her thigh and he's still going to move away at the end of the summer. Suddenly, it's apparent that Melissa _has_ lied to Darry. She _isn't_ happy at all. Suddenly, she feels like if they don't get to her house very soon, she's going to cry and she absolutely hates to cry in front of Darry. Not because she doesn't think she can, but because it makes him feel like he has to fix it, and sometimes these things can't be fixed.

She's just spent a wonderful night with her wonderful boyfriend, and Melissa's stomach has knotted up into an icy rock and she just can't imagine that anything could be worse than this.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**  
  
The school makes a big deal out of every football game and it makes Melissa vaguely uncomfortable. She isn't sure she'll ever get used to going to her locker and seeing a group of cheerleaders putting up a sign that says, "We Love You, #8!" or "Stomp Em Darry!" She usually catches a ride home from Paul, who takes both her and Darry and whatever girl he's dating that week, but on Fridays she has to find another way home which is just fine with her, because Paul's car is inevitably decorated with shoe polished messages on the windows like, "Eagles Rule!" and maybe a big heart on the windshield that has Paul's name and jersey number in it. They make up the passenger side window special for Darry with hearts all over it and messages like "Cheerleaders Love Darry!"

Today, it's making Melissa sick. Not figuratively, like it does every week, but literally. She's already thrown up twice since third hour. She's probably got a flu or some kind of stomach bug, or maybe it's food poisoning from the cheeseburgers they ate at Jay's the night before. In the back of her mind, nagging like guilt that just won't go away, she knows there's another possibility, but she isn't ready to face that one yet. It's been five weeks and six days since she's had her period, which is a good thirteen days longer than she usually has to wait.

Melissa goes into math class, forcing her mind to remain on quadratic equations. She's supposed to meet Darry outside the cafeteria at lunch. He gets the last two hours free on Fridays because the football team either has to prepare for the pep rally after school, or, if the game is at another school, they have to get on the bus. Melissa tries to see Darry at the cafeteria at lunch every day, but Fridays she makes a special effort to be there, lest he forget about her when he's on the bus with all those cheerleaders.

Cheerleading isn't something Melissa has ever considered, so she can't say she's jealous of them. It sometimes looks like fun but mostly looks like a lot of work for a whole lot of nothing. Melissa is partial to riding horses, and she keeps a small mare at the Broken Arrow Stables not far away. She used to compete when she was little and her father was interested. Once her father started drinking and lost his job, he said they couldn't afford for her to be competitive anymore. No, what Melissa is jealous of is all the time those cheerleaders get to spend with Darry. He's dated a few of them off and on over the years, but she trusts him when he says that hes' not interested in scamming around anymore. It helps that Melissa has a few friends on the squad; Charlene Miller, who everyone calls Chatty Charlie (except for Paul, who re-christened her Charlie Shutthefuckup), and Kristy Stevenson, who everyone thinks doesn't talk but you just have to get to know her a little. Melissa met them when Paul was dating Charlie for a while, and they used to double date a lot with Darry and her. Kristy goes wherever Charlie goes for the most part...it's like Charlie's loud mouth makes up for Kristy's complete lack of anything to say.

Melissa likes them anyway, even if they do have to wear their uniforms to school on Fridays (the football team wears their jerseys over their t-shirts, too) and do stupid stuff like decorate cars with shoe polish and slip encouraging notes into the boys lockers.

Math class is as stimulating as ever, which is to say it's not. Melissa isn't all that interested in school work. She can get good marks if she really applies herself but honestly it seems like a waste of time to do more than you have to. She's not a perfectionist like Darry, and because Darry's a perfectionist, he cannot fathom not being one. Melissa is very interested in riding her horse and reading big, fat novels by Russian authors. The quadratic equation just doesn't rank all that high up on her list of things she cares to do well.

She follows the crowd surging to the cafeteria and it's not hard to pick out Darry, since he's bigger and taller than most of the sudent population, and surrounded by his friends from the team who are also bigger and taller than most of the student population. It's not hard to pick him out, but getting to him is another story. Everyone seems to have something to say to him. Melissa can't figure out why they feel the incessant urge to slap his hand and wish him luck every single Friday of the year. She hopes it's not the same as her incessant urge to touch him and feel his lips slant over hers. It shouldn't be the same, and if it is, well, then that's disturbing.

In the quest to reach Darry, Melissa runs smack dab into Sodapop, Darry's fourteen-year-old brother who is a freshman. All the girls think Sodapop is just such a cutie, and Melissa's inclined to agree except that in her eyes, Darry's still better looking. She knows all the girls like them both; they like to say, "Those Curtis boys sure are dreamy!" and corny stuff like that. The youngest is Ponyboy and if he grows up to look anything like either one of his brothers, he'll do just fine. Darry once told her that Sodapop is the most important person in the world to him, even more important than his mom and dad. Melissa is sure Darry's never breathed a word like that to anyone else before.

Sodapop picks her up and swings her around, which isn't the smartest thing to do in a crowd full of hungry teenagers. She kicks a few kids on accident and they grumble in hers and Soda's general direction.

"Hi Melly!" Soda trumpets. He's the only person in the world that's ever called her Melly. It isn't a nickname she sanctioned, he just did it all on his own. Most everyone calls her Mel, except her parents who call her Lissy. She hopes her friends never catch on to that one, because Lissy is worse than Melly.

When he puts her down, Melissa fixes her long hair behind her ears. "Hi Soda," she says back.

Soda's standing with a pretty girl with short light brown hair and blue eyes that Melissa isn't sure she's seen before. Soda doesn't introduce them, so Melissa smiles politely and says, "Hi." The girl says hi back, but it doesn't sound like she wants to. Melissa didn't think Soda was all that interested in girls yet, although girls were real interested in him. Sometimes Darry brought Soda along when they went to the drive-in, and boy, those two brothers could cause a stir when they were together. Girls acted like they were famous or something. Celebrities in their own little world.

Some girls don't like Melissa, specifically because of Darry. One of those girls is Ashley Anderson, the girl who went out with Darry last year. Ashley thinks Melissa isn't good enough for Darry. For one, she's not a cheerleader. For two, she's not all that popular. Melissa knows that Darry isn't really the type that usually becomes good friends with a girl and _then_ realizes he likes her. It was that way with her, though, and to Melissa that means they actually have a better chance of staying together.

Until A&M of course. They haven't had "the talk" yet although it's been a week since Darry's letter came. Now Melissa has more pressing things on her mind. Like getting out of the oppressive crowd before she hurls.

She tells Soda to tell Darry that she didn't feel well and she'd see him later. Then she hauls it outta there before Soda can ask any questions as to what's wrong. Melissa doesn't need a friendly ear right now, she needs some peace and quiet. And maybe a pharmacy in a neighboring town where nobody will recognize her.

* * *

  
It's a pretty lousy feeling when Darry loses a game and there was nothing he could do about it. Darry's a control freak, he'll be the first to admit it. So when he's calling plays that are right and he's executing on his side of the ball, he feels like everyone else should be performing at his caliber, too. When they don't; when a pass is dropped or the receiver just isn't in the place he's supposed to be, games are lost. Darry could make not one mistake, not one, and they could still lose.That's what it felt like tonight. Darry knows everything that happens on the football field is a team effort. Darry also knows that they have a pretty darn good team; when everyone's clicking. Tonight, there was no clicking. People weren't listening, the offensive line wasn't blocking, and everyone seemed distracted.

Darry never gets distracted. Not about football. Not about studying, not about nothing. Darry is a focused person, and that's what makes him so successful. Once the game is mercifully over, Darry jogs into the locker room and starts thinking about the next part of the night. If the team wins, he and Melissa usually go out with everyone. The team picks a celebration spot and everyone meets up and those are some of the best nights of Darry's life. If the team loses, sometimes guys want to get together but not usually. Those times, guys usually hang out alone with their girlfriends or go home and go to bed. Darry doesn't mind getting Melissa all to himself, and he's not really up for hanging out with the team when he can't help but feel like they let him down tonight.

Melissa usually sits with her friend Kimberly on the seats just behind Darry's family. Kimberly's there tonight (talking to Two-Bit, which surprises Darry because Kimberly's pretty Socy), but he doesn't see Melissa. He climbs up to the rail where Sodapop and Ponyboy are hanging. They tell him Melissa hasn't been there at all, and Kimberly says she still didn't feel well. Even when Soda had told him that Melissa left school at lunch because she was sick, Darry had honestly not even thought about her missing the game because of it. Darry took for granted that his family and girlfriend will always come to the games. They haven't missed one yet.

It crosses his mind to leave her be and call her tomorrow, but Darry had gotten set on seeing her.

"Dad, if I drop you all off at the house, could I use the truck and go over there for a little bit?"

Darry's mom thinks he should just leave her alone, but she only argues the point so far until Darry says, "I just want to make sure she's alright, Mom." She drops it, like Darry knows she will. She likes to make her opinion known, but then she lets her sons make their own decisions.

They gather themselves up pretty quick after that because the wind has picked up and it's a cold, bitter April wind. It's just past ten o'clock when Darry is finally in the truck by himself and headed to the south side. His mother has told him he has to be home by midnight. His curfew is usually one o'clock on game nights, but she says that if his girlfriend is sick, there's no reason he has to be out past midnight. His mom's a tough cookie, but Darry thinks she's pretty cool most of the time.

Melissa has a terrace that Darry could easily climb onto, but he opts for the front door anyway. He's afraid of her father, a little bit, only because he has lots of guns and is pretty sure he keeps them loaded and at the ready. Melissa's mom answers anyway, and smiles like she's exhausted. She tells Darry that Melissa's been in her room all night and is probably asleep, but that he can go up and check. He thinks her dad must not be home, because he never woulda been allowed to do that if he was.

Melissa isn't asleep at all, but sitting in the very center of her still-made bed. She's staring straight ahead and doesn't even flinch when Darry opens the door and closes it behind him. She isn't crying, but looks like she has been. Her knees are drawn to her chest, and her arms are around them. Every light in the room is on; the overhead, the lamps, her closet light, and the bathroom light that connects to her room.

Darry steps to the bed. He's uneasy, but he's not sure why.

"Hey, baby," he says softly, unsure if he should speak any louder than a whisper. He might scare her. He isn't sure she even knows he's there. He sits on the edge of the bed, sorta afraid to disturb her. "Mel, what's wrong?"

She sits there for a moment longer, and Darry finds himself glancing in the direction of her gaze, wondering what's so fascinating about the "Hard Day's Night" album cover pinned up to her closet door. He gets up, because he's starting to feel restless and jittery with all the sitting and not knowing what's going on. He starts to turn off lights; her closet, her overhead and then the bathroom. He plans to leave just the lamps on.

When he's standing just inside the bathroom door, his hand on the switch, he sees the sticks on the counter. Not one, but two, laid neatly next to each other. Both have two little blue lines and on the back of the box, which is propped up against the mirror, it clearly illustrates two lines, pregnant. One line, not pregnant.

Darry feels his heart drop to his stomach and sit there. A thumping, roiling blob just south of his ribs. He clutches the doorjamb to keep from falling down and turns, as if in slow motion, to look at Melissa again.

Suddenly she blinks and looks at him. Says, "You know, I thought about it and I think my mom will be alright. I mean, I think she'll help. Don't you?"

She doesn't wait for him to say anything, and Darry can only open his mouth before she barrels on. "I remember last summer Kristy told me about this girl who got something done -- you know -- but I can't do that, I mean, I can't! Could you?"

Darry thinks they started a conversation at its midpoint, and he can't figure out how to get back to the start. He isn't sure he wants to. Melissa has jumped off the bed and is pacing nervously. Her fingers are wringing into each other. She's watching her path across her off-white carpet.

It's selfish, and Darry knows this, but Texas A&M pops into his mind. He thinks he can probably kiss that dream goodbye now. He believes in personal accountability. If his parents, especially his mom, have hammered anything into him over the years, it's to take responsibility his own actions. He tries to focus on Melissa again. She's scared, and tears have started rolling down her cheeks. He takes a step, and is surprised to find that he is mobile, despite the fact that his heart has disloged from its rightful place.

Catching her in his arms as she walks by, he draws her into a hug. He's forcing it, and she obviously doesn't want to be there. He only tries for a minute, and then lets her go. She whirls on him, anger flashing in her eyes like this is his fault and his fault alone.

"God, Darry! Do you understand what's going on?!"

Darry isn't mad. He knows how frustrated and scared she must be. He's frustrated and scared, too. He's just always had a more firm grip on his emotions.

"Yeah, I understand," he says. He almost says, "It'll be okay," but outright lying is just going to make her more upset.

Watching her pace starts to make him dizzy so he sits down on her bed. His head feels heavy and he thinks he might throw up. He's exhausted, and he usually feels that way after a game, but this is different. He's weary right down to his bones. Putting his head in his hands, Darry slips his fingers through his hair and wonders what he can get a job doing. Construction, maybe. He'd hoped to study architecture in college and do that if he didn't play professional football. Construction is a start, and maybe he can still go to Tulsa University or something. It isn't A&M, and he won't be getting out of the neighborhood, but at least it's college.

He wants to tell Melissa all of this, but he knows she hasn't processed it this far yet. She's not like him. She doesn't need to have every little thing planned out. She's probably still stuck on how they're going to tell their parents.

Man, his mom is gonna be disappointed. Just this Christmas, she'd been pulling pies out of the oven while he was doing an English paper and she said, "Darry, I hope you're being careful. I know you care about Melissa but you have to keep focused on your future." It had been strange, her saying that right in the middle of him writing about King Lear, but he'd gotten her gist. The week before, she'd found a condom in his pocket while she was doing the wash, and ever since then she'd been saying things like that.

Darry knows he was as careful as he coulda been, but of course there are no guarantees. Melissa is still pacing and Darry wonders how long this will go on. He tries to catch her again, and says, "Come here, will you?"

He figures it's futile, and is surprised when she comes. He's sitting on the edge of her bed and she walks in between his legs. His arms go around her waist and he rests his head just above her belly. He can't believe there's a life growing there. He can't believe he's going to be a father.

TBC...

* * *

Thank you to everyone who reviews!  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It used to be that as soon as Darry put his arms around her, Melissa felt safe. Like nothing could hurt her. It used to be that she honestly and truly believed that. Now, his arms are around her and she's still terrified. She's still hurting but good.

She puts her hands up into his hair. He wears it longer than his Soc friends, but shorter than most greasers. He doesn't grease it up, either, which Melissa likes because it's thick and has a cowlick in the back that just won't flatten. She likes to pull on it, and it makes Darry laugh.

She pulls on it this time, and he doesn't laugh. His head is pressed against her torso, just below her breasts and she knows he can hear how hard and fast her heart is beating. She bets his is beating the same way, without any indication that it'll ever slow down. Eventually, exhaustion takes over and Melissa can't stand there anymore. She sinks down next to Darry and lets him move his arms away from her only to reposition them back around her when she's at his level. Their faces are inches apart, then centimeters. She has never felt less sexy, but he kisses her and she lets him.

Darry's kisses are like balm to her. Melissa always thinks he can make anything better if he just wraps her in his arms and kisses her. She starts to think that if they kiss long enough this time, that when they stop, she won't be pregnant anymore. The problem will just float away, like a sigh that pushes off her lips when his fingers brush across her neck.

He lays her down without taking his lips off of hers, and Melissa closes her eyes when her head hits her pillow. She feels Darry's familiar weight settling over one side of her. She shivers, like always, when his hand brushes over her breast. But when his lips leave hers and he moves down to her neck, pulling her shirt out of the way so that he can kiss her shoulders, she knows she's still pregnant. He hasn't made it all go away this time.

Melissa puts a hand on her belly and feels Darry's close over the top of it. He's stopped kissing her now, and his face is buried in the crook of her neck. She feels the heat of his breath there. She's sweating a little bit.

"Mel."

He says her name, but she can't figure out why. Her eyes are still closed and she wants to move her hand away from her stomach. She wants Darry's hand away from there, too. She doesn't want to act like she's happy about this, because she's not.

Melissa has always secretly believed that if you have a baby and you aren't happy about it, the baby will know. Maybe not right away, but at some point in the baby's life, it'll figure it out. A light switch will go on in the baby's mind and it will never look at its mother the same way again.

This baby is doomed to that fate already. Melissa doesn't want it and she isn't happy. She isn't sure she'll ever be able to convince herself that this baby is a good thing. She'll have to drop out of school and marry Darry. He won't be able to go to Texas and they'll have to get jobs and a crappy apartment downtown. He'll do something during the day (she has no idea what) and she'll waitress at Denny's at night. It will be a scandal. Everyone will blame her because Darry was Going Places. Darry was going to Be Someone.

Ashley Anderson will turn up her nose and say that she'd never have become pregnant with Darry's child until Darry was good and ready to be a father. Ashley will visit Darry at night, while Melissa is schlepping tables at Denny's for below minimum wage and lousy tips. She'll say she's there to help with the baby, but really she'll be there to remind Darry what he missed out on.

Melissa knows her imagination is running away with her, and if she keeps thinking like this, she's liable to go insane. She bites her lip hard to remind herself to come back to reality. Only she hates this reality as much as she hates the fantasy she's just dreamed up. She starts to cry without meaning to. Darry's arms tighten around her, but his face doesn't come out of the crook of her neck, even when tears roll down the sides of her face and splash onto his cheek. Even when she becomes wracked with sobs. He just holds her, not moving. He probably can't comfort her because he can't even find a way to comfort himself.

* * *

  
  
Darry knows he's going to miss curfew. He knows it without even looking at the clock. It feels like an eternity has passed since he walked into Melissa's room and found her sitting in the middle of the bed. Suddenly, missing curfew seems like a very small infringement upon the rules. Getting his sixteen-year-old girlfriend pregnant, now that's definitely something for his parents to scream at him about.

Melissa cries for a long time, and Darry feels his heart shattering into tiny pieces. He wishes he could fix this. He hates it when she cries. But he doesn't say anything because there's nothing he can say that's going to make it better. He knows he needs to reassure her that he'll be there for her and he has every intention of doing the right thing, but now doesn't seem to be the time. He's numb, and he's having a hard time formulating his role as protector.

He holds her until she falls asleep. She's cried herself to sleep, and Darry can't believe he let her do that. He let her cry all that time without saying anything, and he feels like a world-class jerk. He kisses her forehead and moves off of her, then gets the quilt at the foot of her bed and pulls it over her small form. She looks young, way too young for this anyway, and he starts to wonder again what the hell will become of their lives now.

He's going to let himself out from the terrace. Her mother will have gone to bed by now and he doesn't want to chance running into her father. Darry stops at her desk and opens one of her notebooks; the one that says 'science' across it in neat block letters. He turns to a blank page and writes, _"I'll call you tomorrow. Everything will be okay. XOXO Darry."_He couldn't lie to her face, but he guesses he could lie in a note. Everything will not be okay, that is for damn sure. Then he turns off her lamps and lets himself out onto the terrace, making the short jump over the iron railing into her mother's flower beds. There's nothing growing there yet, but in the summer, there will be rows and rows of brilliant color. For a minute, Darry stands there, sucking in lungfuls of fresh, cold air. His head clears a little, and when he looks at the sky and the sparse smattering of stars there, the situation feels less surreal.

In the summer, he thinks, when Melissa's mom spends every minute she's not at her store in her yard tending the flowers, Melissa will start to show. Her belly will distend on her slender frame and those who haven't heard through gossip will now see with their own eyes. Everyone will say things like, "What a shame," and "That Curtis boy could have made something of himself. If only."

If only.

It's not like he's never thought about it. He's been petrified of getting a girl pregnant ever since his buddy Jason Thompson knocked his girlfriend up when he was a junior in high school. He dropped out and has been working at the Quick Mart ever since, and Lisa, now his wife, cleans hotel rooms on the weekends. After the first year or so, Darry never visited, and now his whole life seems so removed from Jason Thompson. Funny that he might be buddying up again when they become neighbors in the ramshackle apartments called The Willows that run along Sutton Street. Darry thinks it's the cheapest place to live that isn't infested or the size of a cardboard box. The Willows are at least the size of two cardboard boxes, side by side.

Darry thought about it all the time after Jason told him Lisa was pregnant. Jason's a year older than Darry, and at the time Darry had barely gotten to second base, much less considered going all the way with a girl, but Jason told him the time would come when he'd have to make a decision. Darry likes to think he's been a lot more careful than say, Paul or some of his other friends on the football team. But of course, it only takes one time, and he and Melissa have beat the odds lots more than once.

The truck has no heater, and Darry welcomes the bracing cold as he drives home. He starts trying to think about what he's going to say to Melissa tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the time he needs to step up and tell her he's going to support her. Maybe he couldn't do it tonight, but he deserves some time for this to sink in, too. Tomorrow, he'll do the right thing.

TBC...

* * *

Thank you to everyone who reviews!  
  
Tessie26 - In answer to your question, no, this does not correspond to "Not Today".  



	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It's very easy for Melissa to fake sick. Her mom leaves her alone mostly; she's not the fussing type. Her dad, who would have done the fussing, probably doesn't even notice now. Melissa waits for Darry to call from the moment she wakes up at 6:43 a.m. She knows Darry won't be up this early, but she waits. She has to throw up a couple of times and when it's just spit and bile coming out of her, she figures she better eat.

Toast makes her feel better, at least until she pukes that up. Darry doesn't call but at a quarter after nine, Melissa hears a knock on her terrace door. She can't get her head out of the toilet, but she manages a feeble "come in" and he does.

Darry is at her side immediately and he takes a hair tie from the sink and pulls her hair back into a messy ponytail. Melissa thinks it's sweet; it's the only kind of simple thought she can process now. When her stomach is empty again, Darry helps her up and waits close by as she washes her face and brushes her teeth. Darry is looking at her like she's going to fall on her face any second. She thinks she looks better than him, though. He doesn't look like he's slept at all, and she even managed a shower.

She smiles at him, but it's not sincere. It's polite. "Hey."

He reaches a hand around and rubs her back. "I guess it's stupid to ask how you are."

Yeah, it's stupid. Melissa just shrugs. "It was like this yesterday, too. It's not morning sickness either; it's all day long sickness."

Darry frowns and Melissa thinks how weird it is that she just talked about being pregnant like it was normal for her to be pregnant. Like a married couple, expecting their first baby. Melissa can't imagine feeling excitement over this. Melissa can't imagine anything past this moment anymore.

Darry can, because that's his personality and the first thing he says is, "Shouldn't we have an appointment or something with a doctor? To make it official?"

It isn't funny in a "ha ha" way, but Melissa laughs anyway. She hears herself; the sound is bitter and without mirth. "It's official whether we like it or not, Darry."

He gets annoyed at her sarcasm. She can tell by how he pushes his breath out and goes to put his hands in his pockets but then pulls them out again. There are so many little quirks about him that she knows, and not because anyone ever told her, but because she's watched him; studied him, because she's in love with him. She's thought about marrying him plenty of times and it's not like he's a bad catch. It's just a bad time.

She says, "Once I tell my mom, we'll get the doctor stuff sorted out."

When she says "we", she means her and her mom. Darry figures this out because he says, "I want to know, I mean, I want to come."

Melissa is oddly touched. She closes the space between them and he opens his arms to her. She wraps her arms around his middle. It's nice to hug him. She doesn't feel so alone.

In her ear, he says, "You'll marry me, right Mel?"

Melissa wasn't expecting a romantic proposal on bended knee, not in this situation anyway, but she wasn't expecting that, either. She pulls away without letting go of him completely and looks up at him.

"Is that what you want to do?"

Darry says, "Of course," like she's crazy to think otherwise. But maybe he realizes it's not so crazy because he adds, "Don't you?"

Her smile is sad. Bitter. She's never lied to him before and she isn't going to start now. She says, "I don't want any of this, Dar."

He nods. Maybe it's a little harsh, but she's pretty sure he understands. He wants A&M, and she reminds herself that no one would say it's horrible of him to say he's sorry to see that chance go. He hugs her close again and with her face buried in his shirt she says, "Yeah, I'll marry you, Dar."

Since she was a little girl, Melissa has dreamed of marrying and starting a family. She thinks most little girls have a vague idea of what they want for their future husband, wedding and house with a white picket fence. In a million years, Melissa never would have guessed she'd be agreeing to marry her boyfriend because she's sixteen years old, a junior in high school and knocked up.

The tears sneak up on her. She doesn't want to cry again but she can't stop. Darry strokes her hair. He kisses the top of her head and says, "We'll get through this, baby."

It makes her cry more and Melissa feels a wave of nausea so violent she shoves Darry away and runs for the bathroom. There's nothing in her stomach again, so she coughs and dry heaves and cries. Darry picks her up when she finally stills and carries her to bed.

Melissa snaps, "I'm not an invalid," but she doesn't really feel the anger behind the words. She just feels tired. Trapped. Helpless. She says, "I'm sorry, Darry."

He shushes her and strokes her hair back. He's cradling her against him. She tries to be comforted. She can tell he's shaken. It only takes one look at his face to know that. But he's trying to do the right thing. Least she can do is let him.

* * *

  
  
Every Sunday night at eight o'clock, the Curtis's have a family meeting. Darry usually thinks it's stupid and a waste of time, but his mom and dad make them all get together and say anything that's on their minds or if they need anything scheduled for the next week or whatever. Every once in a while, Ponyboy will say he has a school project and could everyone save the egg cartons, or Sodapop will say the chocolate cake isn't sweet enough and could mom add more sugar. But mostly, it's just mom and dad talking at them and Darry, Sodapop and Ponyboy just nodding listlessly, hoping it will be over soon so they can go back to watching Bonanza.

Boy, Darry sure has something to say this week, and he's wiped his hands on his jeans dozens of times while he's waiting for everyone to get in the living room, and they're still sweating. He's practiced eight billion different ways to broach the subject, but he's decided there is no other way than to just say it. He'll go last, he thinks, because if he goes first, then everything else that was going to be mentioned won't get mentioned at all.

His mom and dad look at him funny, and Darry just can't seem to act casual enough. Still, even after his mom asks twice, Darry keeps saying he'll go last and she goes through that week's general minutia (Soda's dentist appointment, people need to stop dropping their coats over the side of the couch) without taking her eyes off of him. When she's finished, and his dad and brothers have all vetoed their chance to broach a subject, Darry stands. He wipes his hands on his jeans again. His throat is dry.

"Melissa's pregnant," he says.

It just leaps off his tongue like it couldn't stand to be there any longer. He's sort of glad; he really can't keep processing this on his own anymore. There might be yelling and stuff at first, but he thinks it'll be nice to at least have his dad or Sodapop to talk to once all the commotion dies down.

Instead of commotion, there's dead silence. The clock on top of the television ticks at least thirty times before his mom, who has placed her hand in his dad's lap and their fingers are squeezing each other's tightly, says, "Are you sure?"

Darry nods. He sees both Ponyboy and Sodapop's faces have gone pale. His dad looks like he's choking on something, and his mom is starting to look pretty mad as it all sinks in. She stands up, and Darry braces himself. But it isn't his mom who yells at all. She just stands there, and in a second his dad is up beside her and he's gone a deep shade of red.

"Christ Darry! How could you let this happen?!"

Darry knows his dad is more proud of him than anyone about getting into A&M, and that not being able to go is going to devastate him as much as it does Darry. He's thought about it, but there's not exactly a whole range of choices now. He isn't sure if his dad's question is rhetorical. Darry thinks it's probably obvious that he didn't _mean_ for Melissa to get pregnant, and it's not like he was going around having unprotected sex.

He says, "I was careful dad, I swear."

"Not careful enough," his dad snaps.

Darry feels like shit. His dad doesn't get upset all that often. It takes a lot to rattle him, and in Darry's almost-eighteen years, he's only heard his dad yell a handful of times. This is one of them. Darry hates that it's his fault that his dad is yelling and looks like the life has been sucked out of him.

"Soda, Pony, you go to your room now."

His mom. Darry looks sorrowfully at his brothers, and they echo his sentiment. Still, without talking back even a little bit, they get up and march down the hallway. Darry's parents don't speak until the door closes behind their youngest sons. Darry swallows. He's gonna get it now.

He doesn't expect it, but his mom bursts into tears. She sits back down on the couch with her head in his hands. Darry hadn't thought he could feel lower than he did a minute ago, but now he does.

"What does this mean for college?" she asks through her tears.

Darry sits down next to her. He wants to hug her but he's afraid. His father has placed himself on his mom's other side, and he's rubbing her back rhythmically. He's looking straight ahead. He looks like he could cry, too. Darry hopes he doesn't. He hopes sincerely that his father holds it together.

Before Darry can answer his mom's question, his father says, "You're going to do the right thing, Darrel."

As if Darry's considered just abandoning Melissa and skipping off to Texas A&M. He tries not to be offended by his father's tone of voice. He just nods and swallows down a lump in his throat. "I'm going to marry her," he tells them. His father nods, and his mother looks up at him and smiles grimly.

"Do you love her?"

Even if the answer was no, Darry thinks he'd marry her anyway. He thinks it's the right thing to do. But he can answer his mom honestly and says, "Yeah, I do."

She looks a little relieved. Darry is, too. If this had happened with Ashley, he'd be married to her right now and she's a world-class bitch. He'd be miserable.

"Look mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disappoint you, but I'm going to do what I have to do. As soon as I graduate I'll get a job. We'll get an apartment after we're married and maybe Mel can finish school with those correspondence courses or something." He looks helplessly at her. "What are those called?"

Darry isn't even trying to address his father anymore. It's easier talking to his mom, for once. He'd honestly expected the opposite. He'd expected his dad to be calm and his mom to flip.

"Graduation equivalency diploma. GED, they call it." His mom sounds tired, but she's started to focus. The shock is wearing off. Darry's glad. He likes to operate in what Melissa calls "fix it mode". He doesn't like to sit around and think about what could have been. He likes to deal with the here and now.

"I probably could still get into Tulsa University. Maybe take some classes at night," Darry says hopefully.

His father says, "Texas A&M will defer your enrollment and scholarship for a year."

Darry hasn't even considered that. He can't go to college and play football, this fall or next. They don't let you have a job if you play football, and without a job he can't support his wife and baby.

Wife and baby. It feels like someone has poured ice water down his back. He doesn't have to answer his father because his mother says, "Darrel, it's over. He can't do that now."

When Darry goes to bed that night, he'll his his mother's words in his head. _It's over_. _He can't do that now._

It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

Darry puts his face into his pillow and bites down hard.

TBC...

* * *

  
Thanks to those of you that take time to review!  



	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

They sit in the doctor's waiting room, mother and daughter. Melissa notices her mother's lips are still pursed. They've been that way since Melissa told her mother she was pregnant. It's like she's holding something in, something so terrible she can't bring herself to say.

Her mother didn't want Darry with them at the appointment, even when Melissa told her Darry wanted to come. She scheduled it for noon on a Wednesday, and Melissa knew she did it on purpose so Darry would be in school and couldn't go. Melissa's mother blames Darry completely. She might even hate him now.

Melissa's been out of school since she left Friday afternoon. Everyone thinks she has a real bad flu. It's not hard to be convincing, considering she's got her head in the toilet most of the morning and sometimes evenings too. She's learned eating crackers right when she wakes up helps, even though her mom complains about the crumbs in her bed. She drinks a lot of peppermint tea. Her friend Kimberly brings Melissa's assignments every day. She lives in the house directly behind Melissa and sees Darry coming through the terrace doors most nights, but Melissa just told Kimberly that he's trying to avoid her dad. It crossed her mind to say, "My mom's mad at him because he knocked me up," but she stopped herself. Getting it all out in the open is liberating only until everyone starts oppressing you with opinions.

Darry seems to be getting more used to the idea every day. He tells Melissa things like, "My dad knows the foreman of a crew," and "If I work fifty hours a week I should make enough if we get a place downtown." He puts a spin on stuff so as to not scare Melissa. He gets a little annoyed when she says things back like, "You mean if we live in a flea-infested rat hole with no hot water?"

It's in Darry's personality to get used to the idea of having a baby when you're he's just barely turning eighteen. Good old Darry, Melissa thinks. She's not getting used to the idea at all. In fact, every day the situation seems a little bit worse.

Melissa wraps the sleeves of her pale yellow cardigan over her fists, crushing the delicate hemline between her fingers. Her mother puts her hand over Melissa's. "Stop that."

Melissa lets the material out of her grip. She looks at her flat-front khaki pants. Her grandmother bought them for her in the city last Christmas. She said they're slimming. Her grandma's real conscious like that. Aware of what everyone thinks. Melissa thinks they make her look like somebody's mother.

How apropos. Melissa laughs into her hand. She masks it into a cough when her mother looks at her sharply. Her mother thinks she's unstable. Melissa cries at the drop of a hat. Melissa asks, 'Didn't you do this when you were pregnant?' Her mother snaps back, 'I wasn't pregnant out of wedlock.'

Melissa doesn't think that once Darry puts a ring on her finger, she'll stop crying.

The doctor is a grim-faced man with salt and pepper hair. It's the first time she's seen him. He has cold hands when he examines her and doesn't apologize. Her old doctor back in Oklahoma City was warm and smelled like dish soap. This guy smells like antiseptic.

The doctor asks her all kinds of questions as he feels her insides. She throws dates at him like it's a quiz she's studied for. He writes nothing down. When he's finished and says she can pull her legs out of the stirrups, he transfers all the notes she's told him to her chart. Melissa thinks he's like those waitresses that don't write anything down when you order. Somehow they just remember what everyone wants, even when you order a hamburger with no onions and extra pickles and fries extra-crispy with tartar sauce, not ketchup.

The doctor fiddles with a small paper wheel with numbers and months on it. She and her mom wait; her mom in a linen pencil skirt and silk blouse, Melissa in a paper gown that tore when she sat up. Finally the doctor looks up and adjusts his glasses on his nose. "December 16," he says without emotion.

Her due date. Melissa feels numb. Her mother's knuckles turn white where she's clutching her purse.

The doctor says, "Due to your circumstance, I'll have the nurse put together a packet that will outline your options."

"Options?"

Melissa barely recognizes her voice. She sounds twelve, not sixteen.

Her mother sits ramrod straight. "Adoption," she says. This to Melissa. To the doctor, she paints on a smile. "Thank you, Doctor Hamilton."

The doctor is pleased, though his smile goodbye shows hints of pity. What a shame. So young and she had to go and spread her legs. The little slut. Melissa wants to shout at him, "My boyfriend is going to marry me!" but she doesn't. She bites her lip so hard she tastes blood.

When the door clicks shut behind the doctor, Melissa turns to her mother. Panicked. She's forgotten the paper gown with the tear in it. "Darry won't want to give the baby up, Mom!"

Her mother looks at her as though this is of no consequence to the decision. She hands Melissa her undergarments. "Get dressed, honey."

Melissa obeys. She always does. Her mother has never been strict; always distant. Emotionally unavailable ever since she was a little girl. Daddy's girl. Melissa tells herself that this is no different. In the end, it'll be her and Darry's decision.

The nurse comes in as Melissa is buttoning her blouse and hands her mom a thick envelope. She smiles and in it is the same pity Melissa saw in the doctor's smile. Her mother clutches the envelope as they leave, as if it is a lifeline.

In the car, her mother says, "I know that Darry has won a scholarship to Texas A&M. What a shame for him to miss that opportunity."

Melissa's eyes graze the envelope whose contents tell her all about how to give the baby away. Melissa doesn't even like the baby. She wants to give it away _right now_. She wouldn't mind, not one little bit. But Darry would.

"Darry won't want to, Mom," she says calmly. She's watching Tulsa go by out the car window. It's finally starting to warm up. It feels like spring, but she still hates Tulsa. This never woulda happened if they hadn't moved from Oklahoma City. Her mom hasn't responded so Melissa says, "Darry's real big on personal accountability, Mom."

Her mom's lips curl into what Melissa can only think of as a sneer. She says, "That's all fine and good for Darry Curtis, but his _personal accountability_ affects your entire life. I'm _real big_ on you having a future, Lissy."

She says "real big" like she's making fun of how Melissa talks. Melissa doesn't care. She leans her forehead against the glass window. Her mom turns up the radio and they ride home in silence.

* * *

  
  
"Hey lookie here! Darry's made the front page of the sports section...again!"Two-Bit's voice booms through the house and Darry can hear him even from inside the shower with the water turned full blast. He also hears his mother yell, "Two-Bit, not so loud!" His mother always tells them to stop yelling by yelling at them.

Darry steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist, stepping by Sodapop who is combing his hair in the mirror. The bathroom door is standing wide open and Darry shivers as a blast of cold air assaults his damp skin.

"I closed this, Soda!" he complains, putting one hand on the door and swinging it.

Soda only shrugs at his own reflection in the mirror. "The mirror kept fogging up so I had to keep it open."

Darry stares hard at his younger brother, but he's back in his own little world with his hair. Soda loves his hair. Everyone else loves it, too, and Soda knows how tuff it is. Darry finally relents, letting his whole posture relax before stepping out of the bathroom completely. Before he can get to his bedroom where his pants are waiting, Two-Bit shoves the newspaper in front of his face.

The headline reads, "Five Local Youths Named All-Conference". Underneath is a row of pictures; two boys from Washington, Edison's biggest rival, two from Will Rogers (one of whom Darry recognizes from parties here and there) and him. Darry looks at his picture; it's the standard football picture that the papers use whenever they write an article and need a small mug shot. He's got a cocky grin in it, and he thinks it makes him look conceited. He hadn't meant to smile that way when the photographer was taking the picture, but someone said something (he can't even remember who or what) and he smiled like that. Underneath it said, "Darrel Curtis, Jr., Quarterback," and under that, "Senior, Edison High School."

Normally, Darry'd be flipping cartwheels that he'd been named All-Conference. It's a big deal. Some four hundred football players in the conference and only twenty-six of them are named to the team. Only five from Tulsa and only one from his school. He was on the team last year too, but he isn't all that excited today. His mom calls from the kitchen, "Congratulations, Darry," and his dad claps him on the shoulder and says, "Good job, son." And that's it. Normally there'd be a party in the house. His mom would stop pouring the orange juice and cold cereal and make blueberry pancakes. Or they'd plan a special dinner that night. His dad would whoop around like he was named All-Conference, too, and make a big enough ruckus that his mother would start wondering when the neighbors were going to start calling the police. The ritual of making Darry feel like the most important person on the planet would only start at home and be carried on all through school, where his teachers would announce it in class, maybe the principal would announce it over the PA, and everyone would applaud when he walked into the cafeteria at lunch. Sure, he'd get ribbed by his friends, specifically Paul, but everyone'd be proud of him more or less and he'd go through the whole day with a smile on his face.

Today, it's different. Darry knows why, and it leaves a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. The reaction at school will be the same. No one at school knows he's not going to Texas A&M yet. No one at school knows how inconsequential being named All-Conference is right now. But at home, the knowledge is hanging over them like a thick cloud. Darry can't seem to get rid of it, no matter how hard he tries. Darry's dad doesn't want to outright say it, but what does All-Conference matter now?

Two-Bit is confused by the lack of reaction, Darry can tell. He just doesn't care right now. He shoves the paper back at his buddy and stomps into his room.

Today Melissa is supposed to come back to school. She was out all last week. She'd told Darry about the doctor's appointment and the due date with a detached professionalism that disturbed Darry. He tried not to let it get to him, but it sorta did. He'll be happy to see Melissa back at school; he feels like maybe something will go back to at least semi-normal. It's been hard to lie to everyone, and people are starting to speculate.

Darry meets her at her locker before first hour, and she at least looks like she's been sick. She's pale and drawn and has circles under her eyes. She's lost weight. When Darry puts his hands on her waist, he can feel her ribs. He doesn't ask if she's okay. He learned that early on. She'll snap at him, "What do you think?" and he'll feel guilty because she'll look like she wants to cry. He tries to be positive and only tells her the stuff that he thinks is good news; like the job opportunity. He's trying to focus now on this alternate future. He's not thrilled by it, not by a long shot, but there isn't much he can do to change it now. The baby's coming whether they like it or not. He doesn't talk to Melissa about the other stuff...the things he's scared of like he doesn't know what happens with things like health insurance once he marries her. His dad and mom say they'll help him figure it out, but he hates not knowing.

He also hates not being able to tell Melissa these things. He walks on eggshells around her now. Their relationship is different, and not really in a good way. Darry hopes that it'll blow over once things start settling down again. Once they get used to the idea and have a firmer grip on what they're doing. He hopes so, but he's not all that optimistic.

Melissa says to him, "Congratulations on making All-Conference." She's distant. Looking at everyone and probably imagining everyone looking at her. It doesn't help with Darry standing right there. When you make the front page of the sports section and everyone sees it while they eat their pancakes, they tend to look at you later on in school. Darry walks her to her first class and when she kisses him goodbye, it's on the cheek. She's listless. It's like she's not even really there. Just a Melissa-shell walking around and her spirit is somewhere else entirely.

Darry doesn't see her the rest of the day, even at lunch. He worries that maybe she's gone home, but Kimberly walks by the table where all the football players hang out and tells him she's just catching up on a lab project for science. Darry feels a little better at least. But only a little.

After school, Darry has a team meeting so he can't go to Melissa's. He wants to; he feels like they just need to talk, although he isn't sure about what. Talking about the baby makes Melissa agitated and snappy, and it doesn't make him feel too hot either. Talking about anything else seems forced and mundane. Darry can't figure it out, but he wants something to change.

By the time he does get over to her house, it's almost dinner time and her mom says they were about to sit down to eat. From beyond the front door if you're tall enough (and Darry is), you can see into the dining room. There's no dinner set out on the table, and no one waiting around as if they're about to eat. Darry knows her mom is lying but he doesn't argue. She's been sore at him ever since Melissa told her she was pregnant. Darry doesn't really blame her; he'd be sore at him, too. He is sort of sick of feeling like it's all his fault, though. Melissa had an equal part in the mistake, but nobody seems to remember that.

TBC...

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Thanks to all reviewers!  



	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The weather, it seems, went from bone-crunching cold to fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk hot in a matter of weeks. Darry wonders whatever happened to spring and if Tulsa will ever see one again. He and Soda are on the front porch, sharing a Pepsi and talking because it's too warm inside to do anything but laze around and complain. It's Saturday night and Soda's grounded for missing (and subsequently flunking) a quiz in history because he and Steve were hanging around watching the girls volleyball team warm up. Since Melissa doesn't seem to want to hang around with him any more than she has to, Darry stuck around the house with Soda to keep him company. Everybody else is out. Even his mom and dad went to a movie.

Darry's pretty depressed that he's not only losing hand after hand of Texas Hold 'Em to Sodapop who ain't even cheating for once, but that he's also answering question after question about Melissa and doesn't have anything new to say. Finally, Darry throws his cards down and folds his hands behind his head, leaning back precariously in the rickety old lawn furniture that sits on their front porch. He glares at Sodapop, who is gleefully raking together the small pile of coins they've been betting with. Soda looks up and shrugs.

"Ain't my fault you're distracted, Daddy-O."

Soda's taken to calling him Daddy-O, which Darry only stands because it's Sodapop doing it. He wouldn't take it from anyone else, and Soda's learned quickly not to do it in front of his mom or dad because it results in awkward silence that can last for as long as a whole day. Don't remind anyone of my big mistake, Darry thinks bitterly. God forbid we actually have to realize it's happening and deal with it accordingly.

Darry knows his parents don't mean to avoid the situation entirely. He knows they're still getting used to the idea, and that there isn't a whole lot that can be done anyway until he graduates high school. Still, it gets under his skin a little bit that sometimes it seems like they're pretending it'll just go away all together. Far as Darry knows, that's pretty much impossible.

Every couple of days, though, his mom asks how Melissa is and if her morning sickness has abated at all. Darry always has the same answer, unfortunately, which is, "She's hanging in there," and "No, she still seems pretty sick," but at least his mom asks. Darry hasn't told anyone about the distance that's grown between him and Melissa except Soda. It now seems like it's not just the baby hanging between them, but everything different about them that didn't seem like such a big deal in the beginning. The distance has grown into a chasm that Darry isn't sure he's going to be able to cross when the time comes to put a ring on Melissa's finger. He's sort of afraid she'll say she doesn't want to marry him. He's afraid, but he sure as hell wouldn't be surprised. It makes him feel physically ill just thinking about it.

"...see you after all."

Darry shakes his head, snapping himself out of his reverie. He looks at Soda. "Huh?"

The grin that spreads across Soda's face is wide and infectious. His eyes are focused somewhere beyond Darry's left shoulder, out onto the street. Darry tips the chair forward with a dull thud onto the concrete porch and turns to look in the direction Soda is. A black GTO has pulled up alongside the curb and is idling in near silence.

"I said it looks like your girl wants to see you after all."

Darry turns back only fractionally to his younger brother before looking at the car again. Melissa is clearly visible inside, and she's talking to the driver, who Darry can't see but is pretty sure is Kimberly. The car is Kimberly's older brother's; Darry knows for sure because he'd admired the detailed cream leather interior the one time he'd ridden inside of it.

Soda's started to clean up the cards and money from the cardboard box they were using for a table between them, and Darry pushes himself out of his chair, going to stand againt the porch railing. Soda flops on the old couch that sits adjacent to the door. Sometimes, they find a passed out Two-Bit on that couch if he can't quite find his way home after a particularly wild party. Darry idly wonders how many times that couch has been thrown up on.

Finally, Melissa exits the car and waves to the person driving, standing a moment on the sidewalk after the car is out of sight. When she turns toward the house, Darry smiles and she smiles back. She looks good, Darry thinks, better than he's seen her in weeks. She's wearing a light blue dress with a matching sweater over the top, although Darry thinks it's much too hot for a sweater no matter how nice it looks with a dress. She still looks thin and tired, but Darry supposes that after she stops throwing up several times a day she might start looking less drawn. He's hoping, anyway. She ascends the steps, keeping her eyes on Darry. From behind, he hears Soda.

"Hey Melly."

She looks past Darry. "Hi Soda." She cocks her head. "How come you're not out tonight?"

Darry doesn't have to look to know there's a deep frown creasing his brother's face. "I'm grounded," is all he says, and Darry notices a bitter twinge to his voice. Being grounded doesn't bother Soda so much except that it rarely happens since Soda's pretty good at charming his way out of any punishment, and tonight happened to be a night when all of his friends were taking advantage of the good weather to go car hopping at the Ribbon.

Darry puts his hand on Melissa's back. He's surprised to see her, but he ain't gonna knock a gift horse in the mouth. He doesn't even ask what she's doing there. He just wants to talk to her without arguing for once. He leads her inside, but holds his hand out to keep the screen door from slamming shut.

"C'mon inside, Soda," he says.

Soda throws a half-grin Darry's way. "Too hot," he says amiably. "Sides, I know you wanna talk to her, so go." He waves his hand. "Talk."

Soda's real good at knowing when to be around and when to make himself scarce. Darry steps back outside and ruffles his brother's hair, before following Melissa into the house.

She's taken off her sweater and draped it over the arm of the couch. If his mom gets home and sees it there, Darry'll catch a lecture about not respecting what was requested in the family meeting. See, you could ask someone all day long to turn off the bathroom light after they're done using it, and they'll ignore you seven ways from Sunday. But if you mention it in a family meeting, it's gospel. Sometimes Darry wonders why his mother doesn't type up minutes of the meetings so everyone can keep track of what they're supposed to be doing. He takes the sweater off the couch and hangs it on the seldom-used coat rack instead. If Melissa notices, she doesn't say anything. Her hands are clasped in front of her and she's staring at the television, even though it's not on.

"Mel?"

She looks up. Smiles. Darry relaxes a little. He can't remember when he was at the awkward stage with Melissa. It was real different, becoming such good friends with her before they started dating. There wasn't really an awkward stage at all.

"I miss you," she says suddenly.

It surprises Darry, but floods him with warmth just the same. He walks over to her and takes her into his arms; hugs her like he hasn't seen her in weeks. It feels like he really hasn't. Not like this, anyway. Not without the underlying panic he's started to expect to see in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't have that look tonight. She just looks exhausted.

Distantly, he hears Soda's voice filtering through the still air. He's yelling to someone -- down the street maybe -- and that someone yells back. Darry thinks it's probably hoods lurking about like the Shepards. Or maybe Steve is back from the Ribbon. He puts his head down near Melissa's neck. She smells like fruit. Apples, maybe. Darry's not so good with the shampoos that smell like stuff. Apples, though. It's definitely apples.

"Come on," he says, and pulls out of the embrace but leaves their hands entwined. He leads her to his room, and once they're inside, he shuts the door.

Darry's not a neat freak by any means, but his room is generally neater than his brothers. He used to share with Soda when Pony was little, and only a year ago did his mom finally move Soda into Pony's room so Darry could have his own. Ever since then, his room is definitely neater. Soda's a slob. Darry doesn't have to pick up every single thing and put it in its place, but he likes his bed to be clear and his clothes to at least be hung up. Melissa's seen his room before, but she always likes to look around it anyway.

There's a lot to look at; even Darry has to admit that. It takes a while to get through all the trophies and ribbons and framed newspaper articles about his sport successes. Aside from football, Darry plays baseball pretty well too. When he was a freshman and sophomore, he played both. It was only when he became captain of the football team when he was a junior that he didn't have time to do baseball anymore. It was too bad, too, because Darry was pretty good at baseball.

Melissa smiles and shakes her head. "Show off," she mutters.

Darry catches her around the waist from behind. She likes to tease him about all of his awards. "You're just jealous," he says back. It's playful banter that's not new to them and it makes Darry feel like things just might get back to normal after all. He tries to be cautiously optimistic, but he really just wants to kiss her and tell her he loves her and get it over with. He wants to _make_ everything okay again. He tells himself not to force it.

* * *

  
  
It's so nice to be back in Darry's arms again, Melissa thinks. She knows she's spent the last few weeks pushing him away, but the further away he got, the more she started realizing she wanted him closer. Like it used to be. Of course, things are different now. She didn't used to be pregnant and now she is and sure, things are gonna change.

She sorta hopes things can change _around_ her and Darry instead of _about_ them.

Melissa came over to the Curtis house tonight on a leap of faith that not only he'd be home, but he'd want to see her. She hasn't exactly been the perfect girlfriend to him lately. Melissa's honestly getting sick of being sad all the time, and feeling desperate all the time. She wants the solidness that Darry gives her. She wants to feel like she's holding on to something that's not going to crumble through her fingers at any second. That's how Darry feels to her. So she turns in his arms and buries her face into his chest.

There was a motivation for coming. That motivation is in the form of a little blue pamphlet stuffed in her purse. It's the kind of pamphlet that they have displayed in the nurse's office at school. The pamphlets are a teen health series and say things like, "Babies Having Babies! How YOU can prevent teenage pregnancy!" and things like that.

This particular pamphlet of course doesn't say that. Too late, Melissa thinks bitterly. This particular pamphlet was not picked up in the nurse's office but was in the big envelope Dr. Hamilton's nurse had handed her mother. This particular pamphlet, folded twice and stuffed in the bottom of her purse, says, "The Adoption Option: What You Should Know."

Melissa knows Darry isn't even considering adoption. She doesn't know because they've talked about it, she knows because she knows _him_. But somehow, Melissa thinks that maybe if she just shows him the pamphlet, it might make him understand that this isn't something horrible. Having a baby at sixteen and not being able to afford to feed it, well, that's horrible, Melissa thinks. Giving it to a family who is financially responsible (and who have one hundred percent guaranteed already graduated high school), and who actually want it...that's definitely not horrible. Darry is a logical person. He'd see that, wouldn't he?

Melissa doesn't know, but she's scared to ask. She's gone though the conversation a million times in her mind. She's rehearsed it with her mother. God, her mother. That's a totally different story. Her mother is treating the entire thing as a "temporary setback" -- she actually used those words -- and once the baby is given away, life will go back to normal.

"When Darry's at A&M," Melissa's mother told her, "He'll realize he made the right decision."

She talks like the decision's already been made, and Melissa is sort of afraid to tell her mother otherwise. Her mother is the sort of person that makes things the way she wants them to. When Melissa was younger, she went through a phase where she thought her mother was a wtich. Not because she was mean or anything, but because things always turned out perfectly for her. Her mother could be planning a garden party, and it could storm all week, and Melissa's mother would never fret about the weather. She'd just keep on with the planning, and come Saturday morning, the sun would be shining brightly, and all that rain would have made the whole yard green and sparkly. Her mother would clap her hands together and say, "Just as I ordered it." Melissa honestly used to think her mother "ordered" the weather to change, the same way she "ordered" the ((appetizer here)) and ((appetizer here)).

Melissa keeps her face pressed into the place on Darry's chest that she's very familiar with. On the left side, before the swell of his muscles, just above his heart, is a small, crescent-shaped scar that Darry got when he was nine. He and Soda spotted a tree house at the stables where Soda used to ride horses, and they climbed up without checking to see if it was safe or sturdy enough to hold them. It had been abandoned for years, so of course they crashed through the floor boards and fell ten feet to the ground. On the way down, a branch clipped Darry in that spot, ripped through his shirt and gashed his chest. When Melissa fit her head under Darry's chin and pressed her cheek against his chest, she knew the scar was just under her ear. She didn't know why, but she liked knowing that.

"Darry, I'm scared, you know?" she says.

"Yeah, I know."

Darry's voice is deep and gruff, and his hold hasn't loosened on her in the slightest. He brings a hand up and smoothes it down the back of her hair. It's quiet for a long time, and for a while Melissa can only hear the steady thump of Darry's heart. Eventually, she hears the screen door slam as somebody (probably Soda) comes into the house, and then the canned laughter of the television.

"I don't really think I want to do this," Melissa says.

It's the closest she gets to mentioning the pamphlet in her purse. Darry pushes her back a little, holding her shoulders and looking into her eyes. He has amazing blue eyes that Melissa really never tires of looking at. Most girls don't, she supposes. She's never met anyone who can change their whole face, their entire expression and demeanor and the way people interpret them, just by their eyes. But Darry's that way. When he's mad or trying to concentrate, his eyes get real light and hard. He looks that way when he plays football. Most of the pictures of him in the paper come along with headlines like 'Stone Cold Curtis' and junk like that. People who don't know Darry, that's what they see. He's real intimidating with those eyes and everything. But his eyes can be real warm, too; if he's happy they get bright and they darken a little. If he's being really serious or turned-on, they can get almost stormy, and Melissa likes to think the stormy-eyes are just for her.

His eyes are blue-gray now. Stormy, but not in a good way. He looks upset.

"Wanting to and having to are two different things," he says sternly. It's a typical Darry-quote. Darry's very compartmentalized in the way he thinks. He doesn't complain much, which is why people like him. He just sort of barrels through life. These are the things I _have_ to do. These are the things I _want_ to do. He'll do them both with vigor. It's just his way. Melissa figures there are worse things. Hell, she knows a lot of people who spend their whole lives trying to just do the '_want to'_ list and not bothering with the _'have to'_ list. It's just not a realistic way to live, and everybody figures that out eventually.

Still, Melissa isn't ready to just approach this baby as something she _has_ to do. She's still in the frame of mind that maybe she can find a way around it. The pamphlet talking about "The Adoption Option" is sitting right there in her purse. All she has to do is turn around and grab it. Hold it out to him. Let him read it. Take it from there.

She doesn't. It frightens her and she can't figure out why. If someone were to ask her which she'd be more afraid of: handing Darry the adoption pamphlet or going home and telling her mother the adoption thing wasn't happening, she'd say her mother, hands down. Still, she stays where she is in Darry's arms. She nods at him in place of commenting on his life lesson of wanting to and having to, and he pulls her back to him. He says something into her hair about getting through this. He kisses her on the top of the head. She feels safe and cocooned in Darry's arms and she doesn't show him the pamphlet.

She tells herself there's always tomorrow. She knows she's lying, but she pretends anyway.

TBC...

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Thanks to all reviewers!  
  
Lady B. Padfoot - It's a wonderful song, and perfect for this story (so far). I'd never seen/heard it before. I'll have to try to download it. Thanks for posting the lyrics, I enjoyed reading them!  



	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Melissa counts the pills lined up on her bedspread. Seven. Seven cheery orange capsules called Seconal. She found them in her parents bathroom, next to the Tums in the medicine cabinet. Her father had been passed out on the bed and she wasn't even quiet when she walked right in and took them.

Seven Seconals. Melissa says the words out loud, letting the "S's" roll off her tongue. She thinks she might be losing her mind a little bit. She feels a little crazy.

Melissa stayed with Darry the night before until the sun was coming up. His parents checked on him once when they got home and Melissa had said she was being picked up around midnight. It had been a lie, and Melissa left via Darry's bedroom window around 5:30 in the morning. When Melissa left, Darry kissed her sweetly on the lips and said, "I love you."

Melissa said, "I love you, too," and meant it. The blue pamphlet was still in the bottom of her purse. She hadn't mentioned it.

As she walked to the corner store to call Kimberly for a ride, she felt, for the first time, okay about the whole thing. She was gonna marry Darry and have his baby and she'd find a way to be happy. Darry had even said, "We'll have each other, that's something, right?" And Melissa had said back, "That's everything," and Darry really liked hearing her say that.

On the way home, Melissa told Kimberly everything. How she was pregnant and gonna marry Darry as soon as he graduated. How her due date was December 16. How her mom wanted her to give up the baby for adoption. How the pamphlet titled "The Adoption Option" was supposed to be in Darry's hands right now, and he was supposed to be agreeing to it. How she didn't even show him the pamphlet, or even consider taking it out of her purse. How Melissa didn't even like the baby until just now because she knew eventually she'd love it. Just as much as she loved Darry. Maybe even more.

Kimberly listened in stunned silence and by the time Melissa was finished talking, they were in Kimberly's driveway. They sat there for a while, and maybe woulda never moved except that Melissa had a sudden bout of nausea and had to lunge from the car to the hedges lining the driveway. Kimberly's brother would absolutely freak if anyone so much as dotted his car's interior with vomit.

When Melissa was done dry-heaving into the bushes, Kimberly had walked her home and given Melissa a big hug. She said, "I'm gonna support you no matter what."

Melissa counts the Seconals. Still seven. She closes her eyes for a minute and sees bright orange bursts behind her eyelids. Orange like the sunrise. Like the Seconals. She leans her head against the pillows.  
  
  
Melissa's mom had been sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee when Melissa stepped through the front door. It had been six o'clock in the morning, and Melissa was still in the same blue dress as yesterday. Melissa's mom looked surprised to see her. "I thought you were asleep. You've been out this whole time?"

"Talking to Darry, Mom," Melissa had said.

Her mom made some comment about it being too late to worry about Melissa being out all night with her boyfriend. Melissa was kind of still feeling warm from her Darry-cocoon so she ignored it. She almost got all the way up the stairs before she heard her mom say, "How'd Darry take it?"

Melissa thought about the pamphlet in her purse. "Take what?"

She knew damn well what and her mother's tone said exactly that.

"You're not keeping this baby. You're not marrying Darry."

Melissa said, "I think I am, Mom."

Her mom had slammed down her mug hard enough that coffee sloshed over the rim. Melissa stayed at the top of the stairs. She held on to the banister and contemplated, more than once, letting go of the rail and pitching forward.

Her mom had stood up. "You are mistaken if you think this is a group decision, young lady." When her mom calls her "young lady", she means business.

Even at six in the morning, Melissa's mom is impeccable. Long black skirt, cream blouse with pearl buttons. Matching pearl earrings, hair done in a chic bob. Nails manicured, makeup flawless. There were some papers Melissa hadn't noticed before on the table. Her mom picked them up.

"When I get home tonight, we'll go through these," she said. "These are applicants. Nice families who can't have babies."

Melissa had sort of stopped listening. Well, tried to anyway. She again contemplated the stairs. She thought about Darry's lips against her own. She closed her eyes.

Eventually, her mother stopped talking and Melissa opened her eyes. She just turned and walked into her room. Sleep came easily. When she woke up again, the sun was high in the sky but she didn't feel rested. Her mind wasn't clear. If anything, it was more muddled.

Melissa gets up and goes into her own bathroom, and takes a bottle from the medicine cabinet marked Valium. She'd been prescribed these when she had to travel to California for a riding competition, and was unable to calm down enough to get on the plane. She takes out five white pills and lines them up with the Seconal. Orange, white, orange, white, orange, white, orange, white, orange, white, orange. A perfect pattern. Melissa likes predictability. She has to know what's going to happen next. She doesn't like change at all.

Melsisa doesn't want to die, she just wants to escape for a while. She thinks about Darry; looks at the phone perched by her bed and wonders about calling him. Could anything he'd say be more reassuring than the line of orange and white pills before her? Melissa picks up the first orange capsule and puts it on her tongue. She swallows it down with a glass of water and picks up the next one.

* * *

The sun is going down and Darry tries to ignore his rumbling stomach as he finishes up his history homework. His folks are kind of sore at him because he slept until almost noon and Pony ended up doing most of his chores. His mom gave Pony a good chunk of his allowance too, which Darry thought was unfair because he never _asked_ Pony to do his chores. In turn, Darry got sore at Pony, which only made everyone else more mad and it really hadn't been that great of a day. Darry'd woken up in a good mood too, because he feels like he'd finally reconnected with Melissa.

His dad pokes his head into Darry's room and Darry nearly bounds off the bed, eager to eat dinner. He pulls a shirt over his head but stops when he sees the expression on his dad's face.

"Something's happened, son."

Darry's entire body freezes, his hands at the hem of his shirt, halfway through with pulling it down over his stomach.

His dad says, "It's Mel," and Darry swears he stops breathing, too.

He follows his dad out of the room as if on automatic pilot. His hunger is completely gone, and replaced with an uncomfortable churning in his stomach that makes him feel like he has to throw up. Darry doesn't ask questions because he's afraid. It scares him even more when he sees his brothers sitting stony-faced on the couch and his dad says his mom is already waiting in the truck. Darry barely looks at his brothers. He follows his dad out to the truck and gets in.

The ride to the hospital is silent. Darry can't speak, he's sure he physically can't, until it feels like his head might explode if they hit another red light. So then he turns to his mom and says, "Just tell me she's alright."

His mom doesn't. She looks sad and says, "I don't know, honey."

There isn't much his mom doesn't know. It makes Darry uncomfortable that this is one of those times.

"What happened?"

Darry's thinking, car accident. His mom says, "She took some pills," and Darry is sure he misheard until she says, "Her mother found bottles of Seconal and Valium by her bed and couldn't wake her up."

That's pretty much impossible to mishear. He just doesn't understand. He would think about the baby, wonder about it, but he's pretty sure he'll punch a hole in the truck window and he knows his folks can't afford to fix that. So he forces his hands against his sides and doesn't think at all until they get there.

Melissa's mom looks impossibly pulled-together and calm, and Darry feels that's got to be a good sign. Except that Kimberly is there too, and she's crying into her brother's shoulder. Melissa's dad isn't there, and other than a woman with two children climbing all over the waiting room chairs, there isn't anyone else. Darry follows his mom and dad toward Melissa's mom. Darry knows she isn't so hot on him lately, so he hangs back a little. Kimberly looks up at him, teary-eyed, and then gets up and hugs him. Darry's pretty sure he's never touched Kimberly in his life so he's a little surprised. Still, it's nice to feel comforted and he hugs her back.

She sniffles when she pulls away, and Darry puts a hand on her shoulder, thinking he should comfort her somehow. They're the two people closest to Melissa since her dad started drinking, and Darry feels a sort of camaraderie even though they never really talked very much or bothered to get to know one another. He wonders if she knows about the baby. He figures if she doesn't, she'll find out soon enough because he has to know. As much as he doesn't want to ask, he has to know if it's okay.

Melissa's mom stands up and Darry's mom hugs her. Darry's dad pats her on the back. Then his mom asks, "How is she?" and Darry is pretty sure he stops breathing again.

Her mother shakes her head and purses her lips, with an expression Darry can't quite read. Disappointment?

"The doctor had to put her on a respirator for a while to help her breathe, but he doesn't think she'll need to be on it overnight."

Darry hears the exhaustion in her voice and sort of feels sorry for her.

"So she's going to be okay?" he asks.

She looks at him for the first time, but quickly looks away. Darry doesn't really blame her. He honeslty didn't expect her to be overjoyed that he knocked her daughter up. She nods fractionally, but it's enough for Darry to feel a huge weight lift off of his shoulders.

"We're lucky she's not in a coma," she says. "Her blood pressure dropped dangerously low and -- "

Now she looks at Darry again, and Darry thinks it isn't a good sign. It's not only that she's looking at him, but it's _how_ she's looking at him. Like she feels sorry for him. He wants to put his hands over his ears so he doesn't hear it. He knows what's coming. Everyone does, because his mom puts her hand on his back and his dad looks down at the floor and scuffs his shoe on the gleaming white tile.

"The baby didn't survive," Melissa's mom says. "They've already aborted it."

It's out. Kimberly must have known, because she doesn't react, and Darry thinks she even knew the baby was dead because she just puts her hand on his arm and says, "I'm sorry, Darry."

His mom says the same thing. Melissa's mom doesn't say anything, and Darry's glad because he's pretty sure that if she had the audacity to say she was sorry, he'd call her a liar to her face. She just walks back over to the chair she'd been occupying when they arrived and sits down, hands folded primly in her lap.

Darry stands there for what seems like an eternity. He doesn't move, and no one makes him. His mom stands next to him for a while, and his dad follows Kimberly to the chairs and sits in one of them. Darry watches the little kids climbing all over their mother's lap at the other end of the waiting room. He watches the mother get frustrated that they won't sit still. He watches her try to give them crackers and grapes that she's put in little sandwich bags, but they don't eat more than one bite at a time before going back to climbing all over everything. Darry thinks he should be happy that he can go to A&M now, that everything went back to normal in the blink of an eye. But he isn't happy, not by a long shot. He watches the mother try to control her children and he doesn't think he'll ever be happy again.

TBC...

* * *

Thanks to all reviewers!  



	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Everything is hazy when Melissa opens her eyes, and even then the room is way too bright. Sunlight filters in through a window that isn't covered and Melissa blinks. She can see particles of dust floating in the air, or maybe it's the spots in front of her eyes, she isn't sure. Looking and trying to figure it out is painful, so she closes her eyes again.

Thinks maybe she could fall asleep except she hears movement on the other side of the room, and the mattress dips when someone sits down next to her. A hand goes to her forehead, feeling for a temperature, pushing her hair back. Maybe both. Melissa can tell it's her mom by the perfect manicure and soft skin.

"Honey, honey?"

It's a struggle to open her eyes again but Melissa does it. Her mother sounds so strange. Out of control and desperate which is not like her at all. But she's smiling when Melissa is able to focus on her face.

"Oh, honey."

That's three "honey's" in ten seconds. Melissa wants to close her eyes again but she doesn't. She thinks they'll eventually fall shut, but whatever.

"How are you feeling?"

Melissa swallows. Dry throat, sluggish reflexes, eyes that just won't stay open. It hurts, all of it. Especially knowing what she's done. She's sorta fuzzy on everything around her, but she remembers the Seconals and Valium really well. She knows she's lost the baby. She doesn't even have to ask and doesn't plan to. She tries to tell herself that was the whole point; everything's fixed now. Back to normal. Except she knows that it's not.

"Where's Darry?"

He's really what's on her mind. She's scared; terrified of what he must think. Her mother's expression is unreadable. She sits back a little. "He's out there." Her thumb hooks back over her shoulder, but she doesn't seem all that thrilled to be telling Melissa that he's in the vicinity.

"How are you feeling?" she asks again. "Should I get the doctor?"

Without waiting for an answer, her mother is on her feet. "I'll get the doctor."  
  
Melissa doesn't want the doctor. She wants Darry. She puts her hand on the flat expanse of her belly and thinks, If I could reverse time and put the baby back, would I? She doesn't know the answer. Maybe she'll wish things are different when she sees Darry. Maybe he hates her. She sort of knows he does, just like she knows the baby is gone. It's not intuition so much as common sense. Melissa's always had a lot of that, despite her current situation.

It's grim-faced salt-and-pepper haired Dr. Hamilton. Melissa is not glad to see him. He doesn't smile warmly or anything when he walks in. He pulls her chart off the end of the bed and flicks through it. Melissa would say he's disinterested, but that's not it exactly. His eyes graze over her thoughtfully and he lowers the chart.

"You gave us quite a scare," he says.

Melissa thinks, "Us?" She doubts he was scared at all. She doesn't say anything, and even though it hurts she turns her eyes to the bright sun streaming through the window. It's better than looking at the doctor.

"You'll have to remain here for a few days for observation. It's standard procedure in barbiturate overdoses. Particularly those inflicted on purpose."

The judgement in his voice is unmistakable. Melissa hates him so much she can't see straight. He'll probably give her mother a whole bunch more pamphlets from the teen health series with titles like, "Teenage Suicide: How to recognize the warning signs." She hopes if he does, her mother tells him where he can shove those pamphlets.

He talks for a while more and Melissa doesn't really listen. She hears the words "blood pressure" and "heart rate" and "comatose" and figures it all doesn't really matter now. She hears him say, "The baby couldn't survive that," and she tunes him out completely.

It's merciful when she finally falls into a deep sleep.

* * *

  
Darry has never felt so betrayed in his life. Not even when he found out Mark Stevens, a guy he's known since Kindergarten, was seeing the girl he was dating at the time. He'd pounded Mark Stevens into the ground of course, but even then he hadn't felt better. Now there's no one to pound into the ground and Darry isn't sure he's ever going to feel better again.

It's nearing twenty-four hours since he found out the baby -- his baby -- was dead and he still feels empty. Hollow. For a while, Darry refused to believe Melissa did this on purpose. For a while he dared anyone to say she overdosed on purpose in hopes of killing the baby. Killling herself. Both. It was sometime in the middle of the night -- Darry doesn't know when because all the hours blend together -- that grief shifted to anger and he knew Melissa's intention all along.

He tells himself that if she'd done this two days ago, without having come to his house and sleeping in his arms until five-thirty in the morning, he'd be less hurt. But that's not true; not exactly. He'd be less surprised, but not less hurt. Not less betrayed. Melissa killed something that was rightfully his as much as it was hers and that put an ache in Darry's heart he was sure wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

He sits in the relative safety of the waiting room because he isn't sure he trusts himself to go into her room. Right now, he has the power. She can't exactly get up and walk out to him, so he's going to wait until he's good and ready to go see her. He isn't ready yet, and isn't quite sure he ever will be. People are coming and going. Melissa's friends, Darry's friends; everyone is walking in and out of the hospital, visiting and comforting and basically not knowing what else to do. Darry just sits in his chair, watching nothing.

The woman with the kids has long since gone. She left around eight or nine o'clock the night before. People have occupied those chairs since, and the clean up crew came in around midnight and vacuumed up all of the cracker crumbs and wiped up the juice spills and erased any traces that kids were ever there.

Just like Melissa did with his baby, Darry thinks bitterly.

Melissa's mom hasn't really spoken to him except to announce to everyone hanging around whether Melissa is awake or asleep when she exits her daughter's room. That doesn't really count, Darry thinks, since she's talking to anyone willing to listen. Darry honestly doesn't care anymore whether Melissa's mom ever talks to him again.

He knows he can't be with her now. He wonders if he's just sitting around putting off the inevitable break up. But he knows he'll never see Melissa the same way anymore. He knows that even if he tries to be understanding, he'll never quite understand.

He'll never forgive her. Not really.

His mother comes up from behind and sticks a Pepsi and a package of peanut butter crackers in his hands. Darry takes them, but he makes no move to open either one of them. He remembers when he was in his room, finishing up his history homework, thinking about how hungry he was. It seems like days ago, even weeks, instead of just the day before. Everything has slowed down since he arrived at the hospital. Hospitals do that. They mess with the passage of time, Darry's sure of it.

"Any plans to go in and see her tonight?"

His mother's voice is soft, unobtrusive, but still Darry braces. He looks down at the peanut butter crackers. They're the kind you get out of vending machines, bright orange crackers that are almost fluorescent with a thin, tasteless smear of peanut butter inside. Darry puts the package down on the chair next to him and twists the top of the Pepsi. The bottlecap joins the crackers, and his mother waits patiently.

"I don't know," is his answer.

His mother's hand goes to his shoulder. Or maybe it was always there and Darry didn't feel it. He's not sure.

"You need to come home and get some sleep tonight."

Darry knows that no matter how non-confrontational his mother sounds, she is not making a request, she is giving an order. He hasn't been home nor has he slept since arriving at the hospital. The heaviness in his eyes tells him that if he would just close them, he'd sleep. But Darry doesn't want to. He doesn't want to sleep, he wants his baby back.

Maybe he wasn't all that thrilled about the baby, and maybe he was giving up a lot to make sure the baby was taken care of, but he was going to do it. He was focused on this new future now; one that didn't involve football and A&M, and honestly, though it wasn't his first choice, he'd convinced himself it'd be okay. He really did love Melissa. Really.

Now he just aches. He aches all over and he doesn't want the baby, no matter how ill-timed, to be gone.

He tries to think about A&M and tries to be happy that he can go after all. He tries to think about college, and how badly he'd wanted to get out of Tulsa and now he can. He tries to remind himself everything that had been taken away is now back, full stop. He knows it all. He realizes it, it has sunk in. And yet.

Darry'd take the baby back in a heartbeat. He doesn't know why, but he knows it's the truth as much as he knows the sun will rise and set again tomorrow.

"Darry."

His mother is rubbing his back now. Darry hands the nearly-full Pepsi bottle to his mom and stands up.

"I'm gonna go talk to her, and then I'm gonna come home. Will you wait for me?"

His mother half-smiles. She looks partly relieved, partly scared. That's how Darry feels too. She says, "Sure, sweetie," and settles back with the Pepsi in hand.

Darry meets Melissa's mother at the door to her room. She looks reluctant to let him by, but Darry just says, "I won't be long," and she moves aside. As he passes by, she puts her hand on his arm, like she's about to say something, but her mouth just opens and closes like a fish on dry land and she doesn't speak. Darry walks by and closes the door behind him.

There is an IV dripping into one arm, and the other is crossed over her stomach. Darry stands in silence for a minute, looking at his girlfriend. He feels a surge of protectiveness as she sleeps, head turned slightly to the side, a strand of her brown hair brushing across one cheek. Darry remembers when they first met, how he'd barely even registered her presence until she laughed. It's not that she isn't pretty, but she's the kind of pretty that becomes more evident when she talks. Laughs. Smiles. She's beautiful in animation, and everything about her intrigued him once they had their first conversation.

Melissa is the last person Darry would ever consider a quitter. Sure, she doesn't fall into things with the same fervor as he does, but not many people do. Still, Melissa is strong...or at least he'd thought she was. Still, maybe it's his anger, Darry doesn't know, but he feels like she quit this time. She just gave up without asking for help and he's real heated about it. She should have called him, should have told him. He thinks about their conversation the night before she'd taken all those pills. Hadn't they ended on a good note? Hadn't he said to her, "We'll have each other, and that's something," and she'd said, "That's everything." Those words had rung in his ears as he fell asleep that morning. Those words sounded like the truth. Was she lying to him?

Her head turns fractionally and she blinks her eyes open. She's struggling to focus on him, Darry can tell, and he says, "Hey, it's me."

She smiles a little, but it fades when he can't smile back. He isn't sure what she expects from him, but smiling isn't what she's gonna get. Forgiveness either, Darry thinks. Seeing her, his emotions are going all haywire. She looks so small and scared in the bed, and he wants to just protect her, but even the thought of touching her brings back what she did. What she took from him. Darry feels his jaw clench involuntarily. He isn't sure what he's going to say.

She speaks first. "Darry, I'm so sorry."

I'm sorry doesn't make it better, everyone knows this. There is a loud buzzing between his ears, like an air-raid siren or something. It's giving him a headache; making him want to run for cover.

"That's not going to make it better, Mel," he says. "It's not going to change what you did."

She frowns, bites her lip and he thinks she's about to cry. Part of him cares, and part of him doesn't.

"You don't understand, Darry. You don't understand what I was going through!"

Darry feels his fists clenching at his sides. A million thoughts run through his head at once, the anger drowning out the noise of the buzzing headache. How dare she say he doesn't understand? How dare she imply that the pain, fear, and uncertainty was hers alone? Hadn't he promised to be there? Hadn't he told her he'd make everything okay? He was devastated about losing his future, and not once did he ever think about cutting and running. Not once did he ever consider taking the easy way out. Leaving her. Killing their baby.

He wants to rage. Hit things, break things, bring the fuzz running. But he just doesn't have any energy. He's tired. Defeated. Melissa has won, and Darry's down for the count.

Darry bites down on his lip hard enough to taste blood. He unclenches his fists slowly, counting backwards in his head. Five, four, three, two, one. He does it again, until he feels like he can move without collapsing. Taking a deep breath, he looks straight at Melissa, really seeing her for what he knows is probably the last time.

"Goodbye, Melissa," he says, and when he walks out of the room, he doesn't look back. Not once.

TBC...

* * *

  
Thanks for the reviews, guys! There's just the epilogue left! I'll try to get it posted quickly.  



	9. Chapter 9 Epilogue

**Chapter 9: Epilogue**

"Pomp and Circumstance" rings through Darry's head as he poses for what feels like the hundredth picture. Over the heads of Mr. and Mrs. Holden, Paul's parents, he sees Soda and Pony wrestling under a tree. They're in their Sunday best, and Darry knows his mom's gonna be sore if she catches them with even one grass stain. They're bored, and he doesn't blame them. Darry's mouth hurts from smiling so much. He graduated at the top of his class, and was named Scholar-Athelete of the Year for the City of Tulsa. Darry thought his dad was gonna burst with pride. "Not just a scholar, not just an athelete, but both! Not just both, but the _best_ at both!" Darry had to beg his dad to stop after a while, it had gotten real embarrassing.

Texas A&M is waiting. Darry is trying to be excited and not as nervous, but he can't help it. He's seen the total costs when his mom and dad sit down to add up everything, including dorm fees, books and a meal hall pass; the kinds of things that aren't included in what they called a "full scholarship". He isn't quite sure they can afford to move him down there, and afford for him to stay once he gets there. Darry keeps trying to get the truth out of them, and they keep stuffing the papers back in a folder marked DARRY-COLLEGE and telling him they'll work something out.

Darry has to believe they're telling the truth, because he can't imagine having to stay in Tulsa. Not after everything that has happened. Melissa returned to school just in time for final exams, and it brought everything rushing back...everything Darry had convinced himself he'd buried so deep down that even his subconscious might never find it. She never tried to talk to him and he had nothing to say to her, but if you looked real closely, you could see a haze of disappointment and hurt surrounding the two that never quite went away.

Darry counts on getting to College Station in the fall. He counts on being able to start over, where he's not the boy with both Soc and greaser friends. Where he's not the town celebrity or punchline, depending on how he played that week. Where his girlfriend hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant, and then purposefully killed the baby and almost herself. He can't be that boy anymore. He won't. He has to get out. Move on.

The construction job his dad was going to set him up with when he thought he wasn't going to college is still available, and Darry plans to ask if he can work double-shifts all summer long to help with the money they're going to need. He thinks about the money constantly. Honestly, where are they going to come up with that kind of dough? Soda says he thinks he heard mom and dad talking about a bank loan, a second mortgage or something, and what little Darry knows about these things, he knows it's a lot to ask. On the other hand, he _will_ ask, because staying in Tulsa sometimes seems like the absolute worst thing he can imagine.

His mother says, "Don't be so eager to escape your past, Darry." She says things like, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Darry isn't so sure about that one. He thinks the loss of Melissa, and the loss of his baby is more loss than he can stand at this point.

No, he can't stay. He _won't._ Come hell or high water, he'll make it out of Tulsa.

END

* * *

Author's Note: The point of ending the story on the note that it did (Darry's absolute _need_ to get to college), is to set up the magnitude of heartbreak it must have been to eventually hear that he couldn't go, the strength of character he showed to hold off a year and work so that he could afford to, and the amazing sacrifice he made to give it all up to take care of his brothers once his parents died, as shown later in the book _The Outsiders_.

A few people mentioned that it seemed unrealistic that Darry would get himself into the mess of getting a girl pregnant in high school. I attempted to make it known in the story that they had used condoms every time and she still got pregnant, hence everyone's heightened desperation and frustration. Condoms are, after all, only 80 percent effective. This may still not assuage some people who think that Darry wouldn't even take the risk at all and thereby not sleep with a girl before marriage. I don't believe Darry is a virgin in the book and I assume that he probably got some in high school when he was Boy of the Year and all that. grins

Uh, that's all...

Thanks to those of you that read and reviewed, specifically **Tessie26, Julie, Meg, Tonyboy **and** Sodapop's#1gurl **who were constant and loyal to me through the end, no matter how depressing I made the journey.


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